Starbucks Frenzy
"Where do you hang out on Fridays?"
Among the writer’s circle, there’s a
school of thought stating coffee shops as the place where ideas are
profuse. That doesn’t mean to say you’ll write most productively on a
coffee shop, but that it is a good place for anyone to people-watch,
see how they behave & acquire inspirations on characters that can
be made basis for novels, short stories, plays and screenplays.
I am not a professional writer, and it
won’t be anytime soon that a book of mine will find its way to Barnes
and Noble. But I do, in fact, go to Starbucks every Friday 5-7 PM.
I don’t intend to admit my whereabouts
to the public, and God knows I don’t need a stalker. I’m not bothered
by the possibility too. At the rate Starbucks are opening, pretty
soon you’d find one in your living room. There’s far too many of
them. With the time and the name of the coffee shop being the only
leads, good luck at finding where I’d be reclining on a cushy seat,
sipping coffee, finding solace on my iPod player, and observing
people at the same time.
Going back to the crux of this entry –
I’ve made a few observations at Starbucks patrons, and here are the
characters who will open your eyes to the world of Starbucks.
Allow me to introduce to you the casts.
Inspect-my Gadgets
Inspect-my Gadgets used to belong in a single body, but due to a
past incident that caused him to be dissected and scattered in thin
air, he is now a particles spread widely among different unsuspecting
human beings. Anyone with the tiniest Inspect-my Gadgets’ cells
suffers from an undying proclivity of comparing laptops, iPods,
cameras, phones, PSP’s, PDA’s and the like; and discretion is not a
strong suit. The gadget-taunting never ends and a “WOW” would
only aggravate the lack of moderation in voice modulation.
Eventually, you’d see the collective masses of Inspect-my Gadgets
waving their stuff like its a neon glowing stick, talking in their
cellphones in a voice so loud the whole Starbucks could collapse.
Martha Frothwart
Martha Frothwart aspires to be a
multimillionaire, bringing her laptop to Starbucks because, duh,
OFFICE IS FAR LESS CONDUCIVE FOR PRODUCTIVITY! She sits at a corner
attempting to exude a heady impression of “What a busy and
ambitious career woman I am!”
Few days ago, I clashed with an
aspiring-Frothwart. She said excitedly “You know the Starbucks at
[somewhere near where I live]? They’re going to have Wifi soon!” I
replied “Yeah, that’s really nice. You know there’s also Wifi at
where I studied, and where I interned. My apartment in Taiwan has
Wifi, and my office’s internet connection is faster than Wifi’s. In
all those places I don’t feel guilty not spending a modest amount of
cash on an overpriced coffee.”
She wasn’t amused.
John Steinbook
Since writing his debut novel “Of Mousse and Men”, John
Steinbook have brought his laptop to STARBUCKS, where he can be seen
writing as though it’s some performance arts. Sitting there, John
seems wistfully waiting – sometimes unsuccessfully - for an
attractive patron to ask him “What are you working on?” Idea
thieves, please take note: when he starts answering questions, he
gives out a little too much!
Does it ever occur to Steinbook that writing can also be done on a
less quaint-looking table and with an ordinary, cheaper coffee at the
side, all without the intervention of some prying, inquisitive
passersby?
Vasco de Gaga (thanks to Joy)
Vasco de Gaga is onward to an expedition. Actually, she is
part-student and part-explorer; and it is VERY important that she
reaches Starbucks on time, and whenever she can, because she needs to
encounter like-minded individuals as well! Heck, she probably is more
interested in colonizing Starbucks than China (who incidentally cried
outrage on a Starbucks establishment few months ago).
So during a 1-hour lunch break, Vasco de Gaga has to dash out of St.
Paul all the way to Tomas Morato just to visit Starbucks! By riding
taxi of course! I mean if you want to go to a posh place don’t you
have to look the part as well? This is such as important matter to
her. It could mean the difference between success and failure. And
where does she get the money? Why, her reliable parents of course!
Frap Lippo Licky
Frap Lippo Licky is not a Norwegian
band; it’s a miniature New York (a.k.a. Melting pot of different
races and cultures). Far too many people joins this group by opting
to sip on Mocha Frappuccino instead of appreciating the fine aroma
and delicate taste of brewed coffee, espresso or cappuccino. In
actuality, 80% of Starbucks patrons buy this concoction. With the
amount of Mocha Fraps present in a Starbucks joint, you would’ve
thought it was some ice cream parlor. In that case, why even call the
shop as “Starbucks Coffee”? Why not just “Starbucks Frappy”
or “Starfraps”?
Lara Cupped
Lara is a raider of some very important
artifacts. So knowledgeable in her bailiwicks, she refuses to collect
any tissues, cups, or sugar bags that have no Starbucks logo on it,
because that’s the only proof of authenticity and sophistry anywhere
in this world! She likes nothing more than a Mocha Frap cup with her
name written on it - that’s just so precious and personalized! In
collecting those kind of goodies she even takes pictures of the
Frappucino and posts it on Internet dating communities like myspace
or friendster: Hey, Lara feels lonely too, you know! Due to her
devotion, she’s a revered member of Frap Lippo Licky. A cup of
Starbucks Mocha Frap is of greater significance to her than the World
Cup trophy. I can attest this as I’ve actually been to her place,
effortlessly finding a naked cup of Starbucks lying on top of her
shelf.
Lara also loves to tell everyone that
she’s (been) at Starbucks, as if it’s some badge of honor.
Lattetia Casta (thanks to Dan Dizon)
It is said that Lattetia wears the poshest of her posh gown, while
accompanied by her fiance who is also wearing the poshest of his posh
tux. They have attended a prom, but to them that was such a bore. So
to make their more night alive and complete, they chose not to make
love; instead, they went to Starbucks after which sex is probably
negotiable.
Really, what an opportunity to waste! They’re all dressed up like
this, and so comes a mandatory session of STARBUCKS. And what better
ways to end a spectacular night than to take pictures of the couple
sipping fraps amidst all the envious Starbucks patrons! These couple
will stick around like flies to a flypaper, since Starbucks is the
be-seen place of the century!
Meanwhile I hope they don’t notice that a lot of people want nothing
more than to drop a stain to their suits. It seems they’re oblivious
to the world around them, clinging to the crotchet that coffee tastes
significantly better when you drink it while being all dressed up.
Coffeetariats (thanks to Dan Dizon)
Coffeetariats
are a collective group of people who probably don’t work in a
high-paying job. They probably work in call centers. Now that’s fine.
I have no problem with that. All of us needs money.
I wouldn’t
immediately compare coffeetariats to the proletariats. Karl Marx
explicitly stated that proletariats are those among the society who
must sell their labor to survive. That probably applies to
coffeetariats as well.
But the
difference is this: coffeetariats need to also spend 1/3 of their
daily wages on a cup of Starbucks coffee, which they probably attend
to daily, as though abiding to some sort of ritual. Gosh, of course,
how could I not notice?! It’s very important to already look posh
even before becoming a nouveau-riche!
Isn’t it
fantastic how they spend lower on their lunch than on a cup of
coffee, or how they buy the prepaid card of the lowest denominator,
yet they nonchalantly spend hundreds on just a frap?
Theodora Voguestein
Renowned linguist Theodora Voguestein overindulges in her love of
a particular sexy language. If in America, Voguestein inserts a
little French during her visit to Starbucks. When in Taiwan,
Voguestein inserts a little English. And when sighted in Philippines,
Voguestein detests Tagalog as though it’s pestilence. But Voguestein
isn’t so supercilious. No, in fact Voguestein does indeed have her
own altruistic principles. When in comes to languages, she knows her
turf cold, and she’s so proud of it that she managed to innovate a
hybrid of English and Tagalog just to bridge gaps. What a heroine! In
all her conversation - wait, I mean in all her dialogue, she
bears a proactive participation to the development
cycle of a learning experience to a new speech process.
Her method of communication tacitly implies on her very own
impactful vision-mission that languages, excuse me,
terminologies are such a boon that we should feel liberated to
interface it however we want, because gosh, the sky’s
the limit! However, watch your pronunciation! Anybody who doesn’t
pronounce English effusively/valleygirlsively pisses her off. She
will feel compelled to describe you “She is so bakya and I
was like duh whatever noh!”
For some reason, Theodora Voguestein
either uses corporate-speak excessively, or makes a sentence with
bogus insertion of Filipino words. Sometimes it’s a combination of
both. Oddly enough, Theodora Voguestein conceals her identity when
not in Starbucks, speaking in the oh-so-prosaic straight English or
Tagalog instead.
Don Juan
de Mocha
He is probably an FHM writer, but whatever
the case may be, Don Juan belongs to the FHM generation living by a
principle consisting of fun acronyms: FHM POV. Don Juan goes to
Starbucks to find girls, preferably those in dishabille. He is not
interested in wits and intellectual conversations, although he can
try to pretend otherwise by slinging some drivels with
bend-over-backwards-ala-Matrix faculty of reasoning. In reality he’s
only interested in a girl’s breast size and whether or not they would
end up doing kinky stuff when the night is no longer young. Then of
course he’ll write about the encounter in a “sex exploits”
column.
Why Starbucks
then, you say? Well, isn’t that kind of obvious- Starbucks is the
place to be seen! Sexy girls know that! Geez, shame on you for
asking!
James Bean (thanks to Stephen Jou)
Great Scott, this is the man wearing what’s tagged as “Jacket
without a cause”!
This is James Bean’s instincts of what constitutes a “cool”:
jacket + sunglasses + bonnet + hiphop DJ hand gestures. Viola! Cool!
Oh my, DJ hand gestures are a must! It’s the way to establish the
“street cred”, ‘yo! Like, only a half of earth’s population are
DJ’s!
He would say “Dude, look at my jacket! And my OAKLEY! And my
accent! Ain’t I cool, y’all?”
Dude, your jacket is definitely flashy. Now if only you’d use it to
actually protect your skin from raindrops, or use it to actually keep
you warm from a cold weather.
But James, you’re so not cool, because:
- You keep insisting that
you’re cool
- Anyone who has to resort to wearing jackets in a
tropical country, especially during hot days, seriously misses the
point.
- You’re not cool because someone can write about how
you’re not cool.
- Have you ever heard of Stan Getz? That’s what
cool is all about.
Douchebag!
Kurt Caffeine
What’s a coffee shop without that
obnoxious loud guy? I guess only Starbucks baristas know. Poor
Figaro. Poor Seattle’s Best. They don’t know what they’re missing.
Kurt Caffeine is a lot more alive than the Nirvana lead singer. His
political stance is so strong that he is impelled to tell his friends
that his gadgets are “better to die young than to fade away”, or
that his opinion about Da Vinci Code is so sophisticated it’s the
only one that matters. That’s why he keeps buying new gadgets,
reading new controversies and following recent trends just to prove
omniscience to his loving crowd (never mind that he couldn’t sense
sycophants), and so that he can have something with which he CAN
DECLARE SO LOUDLY, ALL CAPS AND BOLDFACE CANNOT EVEN
SUFFICIENTLY DESCRIBE HIS VOICE. He also doesn’t know that there are
people who go to Starbucks seeking a little peace and quiet, that’s
why he never gets along too well with Frothwart and Steinbook. See?
My story has a superabundance of possibilities for interactions!
Exceptions happen when Steinbook tries to find a way to get Kurt to
SHOUT for his bidding. Kurt is also a VIP of Inspect-my Gadgets. The
bug has fallen to the wrong guy, it seems.
I also tend to stay away from Kurt,
because gosh I feel so inferior with only my iPod at everyone’s field
of vision; whereas Kurt’s so proud of his gadgets that my earphones
cannot even muffle a significant portion of his exclamations. My
stand about Da Vinci is so extreme that Kurt would be so quick to
condescend it. Besides, I feel so inadequate writing this entry in a
darned white pad paper while the Starposh crowd gives me a leering
look. Ok, I lied. I didn’t write this entry on Starbucks, therefore I
need a scolding from Steinbook.
By the way I just bought Song of Ice
and Fire. I bet Kurt is going to just yawn about it because the
novel hasn’t yet been given a movie adaptation.
Once upon a time people go to coffee
shops to sip coffees, to have normal conversations and to watch live
bands play Bossa Nova music. Along came a Starbucks where people go
to sip Mocha Fraps, to dialog vociferously and to listen to Kenny G’s
“soothing rendition of My Heart Will Go On” - although lately,
Starbucks has taken to playing not-so-memorable Acid Jazz tracks,
thinking it pollutes the air less. Those poor Figaro: they don’t have
patrons that bring laptops. Those burdened Seattle’s Best: their Ice
Mocha are never taken picture of, nor taken home as trophies. Those
humbled Java Coffee: right there people speak in susurrus. Those
chagrined Gloria Jeans’: they’re stuck with playing Billie Holiday’s
music.
I’ll cut the crap about the feigned
scriptwriting. I admit I hate Starbucks, not because I don’t like
their coffee, even though it tastes exactly like the one in my
office’s brewer, which is like black water. I hate Starbucks because
of the people, every one being more ostentatious than the next.
Please review the cast of characters: do you honestly believe I find
any of those mountebanks remotely desirable? Do you think I’d even
set foot in Starbucks if I have different choices? Fact is, I go to
Starbucks during Fridays only because that’s the most convenient
waiting place for a friend of mine. In every chance I get, I prefer
to hang around in the less standoffish Figaro, or Gloria Jean’s, or
any other coffee shops that doesn’t bear a Starbucks label and where
people behave not like how they would in a fashion show (or Oscar
Nights. Sorry, couldn’t resist), but like how they would in a classy
restaurant: cultured, moderate in voice, enjoying the food for what
it is and leaving the laptop home. It seems, though, that some of the
Starbucks crowd have also migrated to UCC, and Coffee Beans & Tea
Leafs.
Unfortunately, Luzon and other parts of
Philippines has pretty much become a Starbucks nation and that
whoever can’t afford a Mocha Frap is now a pariah. Fine line is drawn
by Starbucks to tell who’s who in the society, as if creating an
imaginary caste system. Countless time I struggle to fight the urge
of asking all those patrons: are you for REAL? Is your home really
that big? Are you all that well-organized? Is your writing all that
profound? Do you honestly know the English beyond the
colloquial/corporate tongue? Can you afford all those gadgets without
bothering your dad, or without secretly living under budget?
Or are you all just trying to cover
your financial shortcomings by using Starbucks as festoon? Are you
merely parvenus, if not arrivistes?
People may claim that children are not
allowed to drink coffee, but that’s pishtosh to me, as I’ve been
drinking since I was 4 and that didn’t give any adverse consequences.
However, it’s no wonder kids don’t go to Starbucks. I can imagine
Mocha Frap being kid-friendly, but I can’t imagine children finding
comfort in momentarily putting their heads on clouds, pretending
they’re better off than they actually are while deceiving the public.
I hoped you enjoyed reading this entry, and now I’m open to
discussions. While you’re thinking up of questions to drop in my
comment box, excuse me while I visit John Steinbook: I need new ideas
for my next entry.
June 28th, 2006 at 10:14 pm
Heh. I’m being the first to post comments now. Wee!
I missed this. It’s been such a long time since I took pains to write a blog entry. I think some commentaries, about where I got the characters’ names, are in order.
Inspect-my Gadgets is a parody of Inspector Gadgets. For those of you don’t know of Inspector Gadget, you no doubt are of later generation than us. He is a fictional detective who is made of various equipments and gadgetries.
Martha Frothwart is the mock of Martha Stewart. Need to know who she is?
I had a hard time deciding what to call my version of John Steinbeck, author of “Grapes of Wrath” and “Of Mice and Men”, among others. I could’ve called him Steinbuck, Stainbeck, but ultimately decided to call him Steinbook because it rhymes with gobbledygook, essentially what most Starbucks writer churns out.
Frap Lippo Licky is the bastardization of Fra Lippo Lippi. ‘Nuff said.
Lara Cupped is the variation of Tomb Raider’s lead character, Lara Croft.
Now this is interesting. Theodora Voguestein is my variation of a renowned linguist Theodore Bernstein. I was going to make the character a guy, but I figured that out of estimation, girls use vogue language, as described, a lot more often. Theodore Bernstrein wrote the book The Careful Writer, telling the readers the proper usage of English language. I haven’t read his book yet.
Kurt Caffeine, as you can possibly deduce from my entry, came from Nirvana’s late lead singer Kurt Cobain.
July 3rd, 2006 at 10:33 am
I have the same exact observations (without the writing prowess of course!).
It’s the Latte Factor we Filipinos are all trapped.
Isn’t it ironic that an average workforce earns 300-400 pesos a day and roughly 33% of it goes to Howard Schultz? Imagine, 2.5 hours of hard labor dedicated to 1 cup of coffee.
Eto pa, Starbucks has become the ultimate after-prom getaway… mga naka gown at kurbata umiinom ng mainit at mala-gintong kape (may effect daw ang outfit sa sarap ng kape!!)
True enough Starbucks has become a social status and satire.
July 3rd, 2006 at 10:49 am
I agree!!! hehe naalala ko tuloy yung nasabi sakin ng pinsan ko when she saw me drink a coffee instead of the usual softdrinks na iniinon ng mga kasama ko… lasallista daw eh… every lasallian daw kasi umiinom ng kape… hahaha (eh aba… naubusan ako ng softdrinks that time eh… hehe)
July 3rd, 2006 at 9:45 pm
Oi vey! This is not writing prowess, Dan. I actually revised this article (really?) over and over and over. It’s the first time I actually wrote in manuscripts before posting it in my blog, therefore the significant increase of quality as opposed to my normal stupid twaddle. But I really like your observation about the fact about average workforce’s earnings. That, among other things, can be used as leverage against all the Starbucks poseurs.
I was actually expecting DLSU peeps to actually disagree with me and defend on their “sosyal” outlet. Good thing there are us ECE students who can see through all those artificiality and pretensions, :grins: Although maybe there are others in DLSU who can also see through that? In any case, more power to us! We’re real people. Anyone who wants to oppose us can gather in their Starbucks! At least we’re spending money where it’s needed: and that’s in iPOD! HAHA! Just kidding!
July 4th, 2006 at 10:23 pm
what an observer! i mean, i used to hang out alot at starbucks but never would i care about what those other people are doing there. but hey! i used to study at starbucks, except i never brought my laptop because i usually stay outside where i can smoke and i dont want my laptop to get dirty and stuff. but nevertheless, these observations of yours are extemely amazing, plus they’re all true..
July 6th, 2006 at 11:28 pm
you have one brilliant creative mind, jou! hehe.. i’m looking forward for our meeting and hopefully it’ll be in starbucks?!?
July 7th, 2006 at 9:04 am
this is my nth attempt to post a comment! problematic ata ang friendster! what a keen observation jou! made me say “oo nga!” for countless times! hahaha! i have seen more than a couple of kinds of those people you’ve mentioned but i didn’t exactly paid any attention to them, though they really are quite annoying…haha!!
November 21st, 2006 at 11:28 pm
This is good!
You should write for my blog, starbx.com. Just sign up and I’ll make you a contributor.
November 22nd, 2006 at 5:14 pm
Miguel,
Thanks for posting a comment, though I have to wonder how you’ve found this blog.
As for your blog, I get the vibes that it’s a “food connoisseur” kind of blog. Is this true? If yes, then I don’t know if I’ll be able to post much. I’m not the best judge of what a good food is and I’ve never considered being a food critic.
But thanks for the offer anyway.