Destination Unknown

Color me skeptical, but in
my 22 years of existence, I’ve read enough reviews to tell you that whenever a
critic writes personal snippets on what it’s like to review, it is certainly
going to set the stage for a scrutiny of something awful. I’ve seen this in
movie, in videogame, in TV and in software reviews before, and so far my
previous statement has been proven 100% accurate. So while I’m going to wander
to some story about myself, care to wager a guess on whether or not I
liked VST & Co.’s Bossa Nova Collection album?

I remember a conversation I
had with somebody. After having read many of my reviews, this girl wondered why
I’m doing such thing. Am I having fun with it? Is it because there is money
involved? What do I get out of it?

Honestly, I have no
idea how or why I started reviewing, but I can honestly say that I like doing
it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I like expressing my opinions, and
review is an ultimate form of that. Maybe it’s because I like the challenge of
telling others in the most informative way what a product is about. So yes, I
have a lot of fun doing such thing.

There is, of course, money
involved, but this is a blog, not a site that’s sponsored by Down Beat or
supported by PayPal. So I don’t get to earn anything, and what’s worse is that
the money pours out of my wallet. You can say that I am pretty dumb for doing
this trivial pursuit, which actually has me losing a lot more than gaining.
However, I can tell you that I do get to feel good about myself in doing reviews
because I can tell others where they should spend their money, and I can tell
others to stay away from atrocious albums such as this one.

This is an example of
a washout product that has no particular reason of being made, other than to
clutter the shelf of the records store and to milk cash, hoping to deceive the
unsuspecting public. With its cheap price tag, it is of no surprise to anyone
that it’s actually selling. And good lord, there are sequels and spinoffs to this
album because it sells! Whatever happened to "word of mouth"? Oops, I forgot:
this is the Philippines, home to where Sex Bomb Girls and Masculados are
bestsellers. Home to where a critic can, audaciously, give Carlos Agassi’s
album a 3 out of 5!

Granted, I got this album
without paying a painful P250, yet it still did take away part of my life. Every
second I’ve spent in listening to the albums is a second I lose for my life. I
could hardly contain my urge of defenestrating this CD. I just had to review it
first.

VST & Co., who are they
anyway? *Shrugs* I’m wondering why I should care after this ill-conceived effort. All I know is that they’ve been around for quite a while. They have,
in an attempt to ride the success of the recent craze, recorded disco-era
favorites (the first song Disco Fever should be a dead giveaway) of Joey de
Leon and Marvic and Tito Sotto, and rendered it in Bossa Nova for this
particular "experience". Did they merely read the Wikipedia write-up on Bossa
Nova and immediately thought they’re already capable of fabricating a good song
out of this Wiki-knowledge? The songs are incredibly dull, formulaic and
generic, that I can’t even tell any of them apart. There are no variations to
speak of. I can actually make a conjecture at the kind of conversation that
took place in the studio, which probably went like:

Ok, guys, let’s create a
Bossa Nova album. Set all songs’ time signature to C (4/4). Anyone can play the
sax? Good! We need a saxophone because it is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL that a Bossa
Nova song has this ‘Stan Getz’ vibe. Guitarist, play your chords with quarter
note, quarter note half, eighth note, quarter rest progression. You there, go
shake these maracas around. And as for you, you’re the clamshell guy. Now get
me a Casio organ and let’s start stealing, err, earning some money!

When all those
ideas get patched together, what we have is music’s equivalent of Frankenstein
– dull, dumb, drab, droopy and dreaded. ALL of the songs stay on a
constant and a very stagnant pace, even during the times when the organ ups the
tempo of the overture (I can’t believe I’m using this word for something this
bad). The vocals, while without sour quavers, sour notes or off-keys, are
delivered with neither emotion nor energy. In fact, nothing inside this album
is convincing me that it’s not an afterthought.

The fact that this album is
cluttering the records store makes me shudder. I’ve emphasized, repeatedly,
that Bossa Nova could really use some creativity; yet artists such as VST and
Co. are so intent on lowering its sight by bludgeoning classics of different
genres. One close look at the etymology of Bossa Nova, I have come to realize
that it originated from "new style". There is nothing so new about what VST’s been doing.
They’re just rehashing tired concepts. But since they’re so inclined on bearing
a two-worded distinction, let me give their album some alternative: vapid
volumes, catastrophic concepts, and micturated messes.

Then again, I may be a
little too harsh. The album is not completely useless. If you have a dog and
you do own this VST & Co. Bossa Nova Collection CD, rest assured that you
already have the equipment to train your dog for Frisbee-catching competition.

Score: 1 out of 5

This entry was posted on Friday, November 24th, 2006 at 6:33 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.